Golden Pussy

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I haven’t wrote in awhile.

Nothing really changes. Two of my exes, The Nut Job and The Criminal, are still texting (see above). To have three men tell you “I love you”. It’s hard when you have a history with all of them. The Stoner and I are still together.

Just a few days ago another ex entered my life, The Drunk. I have not wrote about him yet. He is married now but wants to “meet up” bc he misses me. Do any of these men really love me or is my pussy made of gold?

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The end of 2016

It’s been awhile since I wrote. My life has been working, being a mother, pills, and The Stoner being jobless.

Yup my life sucks.

The Stoner isn’t The Stoner anymore because he hasn’t work in like 7 months. Let’s call him The Kid. It’s hard enough taking care of my kids now I have another one that’s 34 years old. I do love him still but life is hard and I’m gonna be honest I have talked to The Nut Job (see To many I love yous blog entry for details of who he is). He is still crazy as ever but loves me and has a job! It’s hard to think what I could be missing out on. It’s like I forget all the horrible shit The Nut Job has done. Ugh.

Work is work. Being a mom is being a mom. Pills are expensive. I think I have a problem. Why is it so bad to feel so good? I mean when kids aren’t around why not have a little fun right??!! Life definitely is hard. I know many can relate.

I’ll be ok….right?!

My one year and my messed up head. 

It’s been a year since my first blog entry. There has been so much more to my life that I haven’t shared. 

I’m at a point in my life that I feel really happy. The Stoner and I are really happy. He makes me happy. 

But……..

I don’t know why I seek attention from others. My last blog was about my exes contacting me and they still are. Why don’t I tell them to fuck off?! Why don’t I block them?! 

I’ve truly never been this happy. It’s like I’m trying to fuck shit up. My head is wrong. 

To many I love yous

Everyday I hear “I love you”. Not by one guy but three….

The Criminal, The Nut Job, and My Forever (The Stoner).

Recap:

The Criminal: Been in and out of my life. Recently released from prison. I have a son with this one. The Criminal was only a father for about a year. The Criminal only really loves himself. He and I haven’t seen each other in over 7 years! Says has always loved me. Has my name tattooed on his chest. The Criminal broke my heart. I have gotten over him. Took a long time. He pleads for my forgiveness and wants me back.

The Nut Job: He and I broke up a year ago. He is a little crazy. Can’t get over me. Has pretended to be other people online to trick me. Controlling. I feel he never really loved me for me. I was never good enough. I couldn’t take the lying and his nutty behavior. He regrets what he did and wants me back.

The Stoner: My Forever. My current relationship. I really like him. I really think I’m in love. It is great being around someone who is similar to me and has the same interests. He likes me and finds me funny. The only problem is he is a stoner. Not that it is really a problem but I’m getting back into that lifestyle. I am enjoying myself and I think I deserve it so I’m having some fun.

So every day I hear “I love you”. I know that The Nut Job and The Criminal realize what they had.

I have moved on and am happy. I’m not going to let anything mess that up hopefully……………………..

Forever and The Nut Job

It has been forever since I posted. I’ve been dealing with a nut ex and a wonderful new boyfriend.

The Nut Job and I dated for many years. He once was sweet and caring. I once felt safe. He and I once were in love. Things changed when he became crazy.

The Nut Job would make up stories and lies to test me. To test the relationship. To test our love. “My mom saw a guy walk out of the house when she drove by. ” I cried for hours trying to convince him it wasn’t true. The Nut Job would make fake Facebook profile to bait me. He would pay to have his number changed to pretend to be someone and text me.I fell out of love. Couldn’t take it anymore. I’m over it. The Nut Job just can’t stop. Nonstop phone calls and texts and calls to my job! Not only is he harassing me. He is harassing The Criminal (see previous blogs).

Things have been so hard but through all this I think I might have met My Forever. He is kind and understand. I’m so happy. My Forever just has been the best!

So we will see where this all leads……

There will be so much more to come.

The sickness,prison, and the clinic

It has been about five months and I’m still sick and have horrible headaches. Something was going on…..

I was pregnant again!

I just had a baby! Could I do this again?!  The Artist bailed. The Criminal is still dealing with court hearings and maybe jail time. He was starting to turn into his old self again. I can’t do this. To much is happening…..

The Criminal gets arrested. Alone again. Brand new baby and pregnant.

My friend takes me to the clinic to get an abortion. The clinic was like on lock down. Bullet proof glass. You had to keep your identification in hand to put in front of the camera before they would unlock the steel door to let you in. I was terrified. The waiting room was packed and loud. Girls talking. Women laughing. I signed in and sat down. I started to cry. No I didn’t start to cry; I started to sob. I was so confused. I was the only girl upset in the room. I felt alone and sad. I just didn’t know what to do.

The nurse called my name. She asked me to lay down while she handed me tissues. She than told me that they had to do an ultrasound. I knew at that moment that I was keeping this baby. I started to cry again and I told her that I was keeping the baby. She congratulated me and asked if I wanted to see my baby. I learned I was four months pregnant.

Five month old baby. Four months pregnant. The Criminal was charged and sentences to spend one and half years minimum, three years maximum in state prison. I had confidence in myself that I can do this.

It took a lot of thinking but I decided to take The Artist for child support. Paperwork and waiting….

Six month old baby. Seven months pregnant. Court for the child support hearing. I don’t bring my baby. I didn’t want him to have the privilege to see the beautiful little boy I gave birth too. All The Artist did was ask for DNA testing and point out that I was pregnant again.

Few days go by and I have to take my little boy to have his DNA tested. The Artist is there. Standing in a hallway with many other people waiting to do the same thing as we were. I sit down. My belly huge. The Artist comes and sits next to me. No words spoken between us. He stares at the sleeping baby in my arms. Our names are called. They swab our mouths. We leave. The Artist is never to be heard from again. 99.99% The Artist is the father!

Where did I leave off….

PREGNANT!!!

Pregnant and alone. The Artist told me when we were together that he hated condoms. I told him that I wasn’t on birth control. He and I were both tested and clean. I trusted that he knew what he was doing when he would use the pull out method. Not very effective.

I never doubted this pregnancy though (my second pregnancy is another story). I knew I wanted this baby. I don’t know maybe it was my drug induced brain but I felt like this baby was going to save me. I broke up with cocaine. I stopped everything that would be harmful to this human growing inside me.

Everyday The Criminal would call me and tell me he wanted me back and loved me. Never once did I mention I was  growing a human.

Everyday I was thinking about how I was going to tell The Artist. He and I were still talking since he also worked at the mall I did. He never really gave me a good reason why he broke up with me. Still today I think it was because he couldn’t make me cum. At that time in my life I was use to faking it. After many years with The Criminal I learned how to make myself cum, but with The Artist I think I just wasn’t comfortable enough. The Artist could tell I would fake it! He has been the only guy I have ever been with that knew! I still don’t know how he knew and other guys didn’t!?

So I told him I was pregnant. The Artist was shocked, happy, worried, and scared all at the same time. As days went on he would become colder and colder to me. I knew he wasn’t going to stick around.

The Criminal found out I was pregnant. He was shocked and angry but so loving. I didn’t know this side of him. The Criminal wanted us. He wanted me and this baby knowing that this baby wasn’t his.

So yeah I took The Criminal back into my life. Stupid of me….oh yes!!!

Time frame was The Artist and I were only together for a month. Yup didn’t take me long to get knocked up. The Criminal and I were only apart for about four months.

I’m four months pregnant and The Criminal was loving and sweet; so different than he was before. I really thought he changed. But during our four month break The Criminal decided to take part in some legal activity.

I was about seven months pregnant when he was arrested. Waddling to court case after court case. His mother and I posted bail. But it was far from over. The Criminal was looking at at least a year in prison.

Another two months go by and I have my baby. A little boy! A beautiful baby boy. The Criminal is still out on bail and he was my first visitor the next day. We are going to be a family. Well that is what I thought than. The Artist called me. He told me he wants to sign over his rights. See the state I lived in wouldn’t allow him to sign over his rights unless someone is there to take his place. No court was going to allow The Criminal to take over rights due to his criminal history and he and I weren’t married. I informed The Artist of this. I wouldn’t hear from The Artist for another six months.

In the meantime I was happy besides the court hearing with The Criminal and The Artist disappearing. My little boy was a month old and I started getting headaches and feeling ill. Something wasn’t right…..